Andrew Huberman, Ph.D., with Terry Real on Why Modern Masculinity Is Breaking Men — and How to Rebuild It

👉 Watch the full conversation here — this is one of the most important discussions on men’s mental health you’ll hear this year, because it reframes masculinity not as something to defend or abandon, but something to rebuild correctly.

Terry Real is a licensed psychotherapist, bestselling author, and one of the world’s foremost experts on men’s psychology and relationships. He’s the founder of the Relational Life Institute and the creator of Relational Life Therapy (RLT), a widely used clinical framework designed to help individuals and couples build accountability, emotional intelligence, and lasting connection. With over 40 years of clinical experience, Terry has worked extensively with men navigating identity, intimacy, and mental health in a rapidly changing world.

The Big Idea Most People Miss

This conversation isn’t about “toxic masculinity” versus “traditional masculinity.”

Terry Real makes a sharper, more useful distinction:

The real problem isn’t masculinity — it’s disconnection.

Modern men are caught between two bad options:

• Old-school stoicism (“don’t feel, don’t need, don’t connect”)

• Overcorrection (“feel everything, but lose structure, agency, and direction”)

Neither works. And the data shows it.

Men today are experiencing:

• Record-high suicide rates

• Rising depression and anxiety

• Fewer friendships

• Less romantic connection

• A deep sense of confusion about what’s expected of them

Real argues that men don’t need to be less masculine — they need to be more whole.

What Healthy Masculinity Actually Looks Like

One of the most powerful metaphors Terry Real uses is the Maasai warrior:

• When the moment calls for fierceness, he is fierce.

• When the moment calls for tenderness, he puts down his weapons.

Strength isn’t choosing one mode — it’s knowing which mode the moment requires.

Modern masculinity fails when it:

• Treats vulnerability as weakness

• Confuses emotional numbness with control

• Equates dominance with leadership

Healthy masculinity integrates:

• Agency + empathy

• Boundaries + connection

• Self-respect + accountability

The Hidden Psychological Cost of Stoicism

Terry Real calls out something uncomfortable but critical:

“Trying to outrun your vulnerability is like trying to outrun your rectum — it follows you everywhere.”

Suppressing emotion doesn’t eliminate it. It converts it into:

• Chronic stress

• Irritability

• Emotional withdrawal

• Depression

• Relationship breakdown

From a neuroscience and psychology perspective, humans bond through vulnerability. When men are trained to disconnect from it, they also disconnect from:

• Romantic intimacy

• Male friendships

• Their own internal compass

This is why many men feel lonely even when they’re “successful.”

Why Relationships Feel So Hard for Men (And It’s Not All Your Fault)

One of the most nuanced insights in this episode:

Men and women struggle in relationships — but in different ways.

• Many men are focused on providing, solving, and stabilizing

• Many women are focused on emotional attunement and responsiveness

The conflict isn’t bad intent — it’s different perceptual blind spots.

Real emphasizes:

• Men often aren’t ignoring emotional needs — they literally don’t see them

• Women often interpret this as indifference or lack of care
  

Healthy masculinity requires learning that relating is a skill, not a personality trait.

The Power of Fraternity (That Isn’t Talked About Enough)

One of the most actionable and underrated points:

Men need other men — not for competition, but for accountability and truth.

Healthy male groups provide:

• Honest feedback

• Emotional regulation through shared experience

• A place to process stress without judgment

• A corrective to isolation

This isn’t about “locker room culture.”
It’s about belonging without performative toughness.

ACTIONABLE TAKEAWAYS (What to Do Differently Starting This Week)

1. Practice “Selective Vulnerability”

You don’t need to share everything — but you must share something.

• Name emotions instead of suppressing them

• Choose safe, trusted people

• Vulnerability is a tool, not a personality

2. Build or Join a Male Circle

Not a networking group. Not a gym buddy.

• Find 2–5 men you can speak honestly with

• Meet consistently

• Hold each other accountable — not just entertained

3. Stop Confusing Stoicism With Strength

True strength includes:

• Emotional regulation (not emotional absence)

• Asking for help when needed

• Staying present in conflict instead of withdrawing

4. Learn Relationship Skills Like You’d Learn Fitness

Communication is trainable.

• Reflect back what you heard before defending

• Ask, “What do you need from me right now?”

• Recognize that repair matters more than being right

5. Measure Masculinity by Wholeness, Not Hardness

Ask yourself:

• Can I act decisively and compassionately?

• Can I hold boundaries without shutting down?

• Can I stay grounded when emotions rise?

That’s the real upgrade.

Why This Conversation Matters Right Now

This episode cuts through the culture war noise and offers something rare:

• No shaming

• No nostalgia

• No collapse into softness

Just a clear, psychologically grounded path forward.

Healthy masculinity isn’t about dominance or disappearance — it’s about integration.

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